Thank you Cathie. I honestly think the conversations we’d had were a real help to me in the grieving process. Not everyone wants to talk about it, but it’s a gift when someone does ❤️
This is a great topic. How wonderful that you and your dad had such trust and openness with each other, and that his end was as he wished.
We are so lacking in experience and information about death these days, a lot of us dying in medical surroundings rather than at home perhaps?
I have always been curious and fascinated about death, but come from a very ‘buttoned up’ family. My mum died in hospital 18 months ago in an atmosphere of fear and silence (hers) and frustration on my part that we couldn’t discuss her needs & feelings about what was happening. She had been in declining health for a few years and was too fearful to ever discuss death or what she wanted.
Something that sticks in my mind is that on the day she died, hours from her death, I asked a nurse if my mother was dying & the reaction was as if I’d said something totally unmentionable and I was ‘shushed’ and given no answer!
After Mum died I read Kathryn Mannix - With the End in Mind, as mentioned above and would highly recommend it. Had I known how close the end was and that the behaviours and symptoms my mum was experiencing were a normal part of dying, well, who knows? I think I’d have made a more relaxed deathbed witness and comfort for my mum.
Thank you so much for your beautiful and thoughtful response Rachel. 💚 I'm so sorry about your mum, I hope you're doing okay xxx death has been a passion of mine too! I read With the End in Mind before my dad died a few months ago, and agree it's so helpful to know what sort of things to expect - it definately helped me too. Dad's end was, unfortunately, anything but dignified, his body sadly hung on for such a long time as he'd been so fit, his heart kept going despite weeks without food or water. It was truly horrifying and the very last thing he wanted to happen. But at least having read the book, I was a bit more prepared for the different scenarios. xxx
Thank you Justine. So sorry to read about your dad’s end too. We can do our best with talking & living wills etc, but can’t control what actually physically happens to someone else in the end. X
I think we were very lucky to get my dad into a hospice for the last few days. Intensive care is very much geared to fixing and healing and families of the dying can feel out on a limb. Hospices of course are ALL about the dying process, which can be a real source of comfort…
Agreed mate. Our dad was in a hospice at the end too and they were just amazing. Funnily enough, I've started a piece for TTTW about 'What makes hospices such happy places?' I can feel another collab coming on... 😂 xxx
TTTW - thank you, and Crone Ann for sharing this…(I relate 100% Ann to your view and it’s hard sometimes to find people allowing me to express that…he was lucky he had you). But what I have to share fellow crones is this:
Read ‘the end in mind’ by Kathryn Mannix- this gentle read prepares anyone (whoever they are) , it’s about communication about death not being reserved for the dying and the need to remove taboos that death is a subject to be avoided at all costs (that way it won’t happen and we won’t feel). And if you’d have told me a year ago that I would be feeling honoured, reconciled, peaceful, grateful and humbled sitting alone by the side of my dying estranged husband last week, I can only say…there is a spirit out there…or maybe it’s if you have humanity love and forgiveness (of self and others) in your heart, you will be at peace. This sounds religious but it comes from a confirmed humanist! All you empowered crones - go read…and talk… x
Thank you so much Jo for your beautiful words. Couldn't agree more xxx It sounds like you've been on a real journey yourself too 💚 I loved that book too! I meant to add it to the list so 🙏
Great piece and lots of good refs for more info.
As painful as losing a loved one can be, Death is an important conversation to be had
Thanks so much for your feedback you legend! xxx
Thank you Cathie. I honestly think the conversations we’d had were a real help to me in the grieving process. Not everyone wants to talk about it, but it’s a gift when someone does ❤️
This is a great topic. How wonderful that you and your dad had such trust and openness with each other, and that his end was as he wished.
We are so lacking in experience and information about death these days, a lot of us dying in medical surroundings rather than at home perhaps?
I have always been curious and fascinated about death, but come from a very ‘buttoned up’ family. My mum died in hospital 18 months ago in an atmosphere of fear and silence (hers) and frustration on my part that we couldn’t discuss her needs & feelings about what was happening. She had been in declining health for a few years and was too fearful to ever discuss death or what she wanted.
Something that sticks in my mind is that on the day she died, hours from her death, I asked a nurse if my mother was dying & the reaction was as if I’d said something totally unmentionable and I was ‘shushed’ and given no answer!
After Mum died I read Kathryn Mannix - With the End in Mind, as mentioned above and would highly recommend it. Had I known how close the end was and that the behaviours and symptoms my mum was experiencing were a normal part of dying, well, who knows? I think I’d have made a more relaxed deathbed witness and comfort for my mum.
More death and dying talk is needed.
Thank you so much for your beautiful and thoughtful response Rachel. 💚 I'm so sorry about your mum, I hope you're doing okay xxx death has been a passion of mine too! I read With the End in Mind before my dad died a few months ago, and agree it's so helpful to know what sort of things to expect - it definately helped me too. Dad's end was, unfortunately, anything but dignified, his body sadly hung on for such a long time as he'd been so fit, his heart kept going despite weeks without food or water. It was truly horrifying and the very last thing he wanted to happen. But at least having read the book, I was a bit more prepared for the different scenarios. xxx
Thank you Justine. So sorry to read about your dad’s end too. We can do our best with talking & living wills etc, but can’t control what actually physically happens to someone else in the end. X
I think we were very lucky to get my dad into a hospice for the last few days. Intensive care is very much geared to fixing and healing and families of the dying can feel out on a limb. Hospices of course are ALL about the dying process, which can be a real source of comfort…
Agreed mate. Our dad was in a hospice at the end too and they were just amazing. Funnily enough, I've started a piece for TTTW about 'What makes hospices such happy places?' I can feel another collab coming on... 😂 xxx
TTTW - thank you, and Crone Ann for sharing this…(I relate 100% Ann to your view and it’s hard sometimes to find people allowing me to express that…he was lucky he had you). But what I have to share fellow crones is this:
Read ‘the end in mind’ by Kathryn Mannix- this gentle read prepares anyone (whoever they are) , it’s about communication about death not being reserved for the dying and the need to remove taboos that death is a subject to be avoided at all costs (that way it won’t happen and we won’t feel). And if you’d have told me a year ago that I would be feeling honoured, reconciled, peaceful, grateful and humbled sitting alone by the side of my dying estranged husband last week, I can only say…there is a spirit out there…or maybe it’s if you have humanity love and forgiveness (of self and others) in your heart, you will be at peace. This sounds religious but it comes from a confirmed humanist! All you empowered crones - go read…and talk… x
Thank you so much Jo for your beautiful words. Couldn't agree more xxx It sounds like you've been on a real journey yourself too 💚 I loved that book too! I meant to add it to the list so 🙏
Thank Jo - that book sounds interesting, I’ll seek it out! ❤️